Four Lies to Never Tell Your Spouse

Every lie tells a truth.

As we deceive in one area of life, a truth is revealed about another area.

Lying in marriage reveals the true unhealthiness of the relationship. A lie doesn’t mean the whole relationship is unhealthy, but it does show an area of serious concern.

Left unchecked, small lies become a growing cancer which can destroy any relationship, especially marriage. (See: Find the Lie, Name the Truth)

Few people lie with an ill intent.

We lie because it feels easier.
We lie because we are trying to protect others.
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We lie because we are afraid of the truth.

While spouses lie about many things, most lies fit one of the following categories.

Beware of the following lies in marriage:

Lies of Location: Except for the possible planning of a surprise party or trip, I should never have to lie to my wife about where I have been or where I am going. Lying about either of these issues reveals an area of my life in which I am intentionally trying to cut out my wife. She is the most important person in my life. Cutting her out can only be done for negative reasons.

Lies of Communication: My wife should be aware of every form of communication available to me. I should never have a secret email account or an unknown cell phone number. While my job requires certain elements of confidentiality, I do not hide whom I’m speaking with. There is no reason to have secret conversations with others which my wife cannot find out about. Lies of location and communication are the two greatest warning signs of adultery. If you find your spouse lying about either, make an appointment with a counselor. (See: Two Steps to Solving 90% of Relationship Problems)

Lies of Finance: One of the most surprising elements of doing funerals over the past decade is the number of unknown loans, debts, bank accounts, and other financial issues which come out after the death. I never knew the number of people who make secret transactions without the knowledge or consent of their spouse. A financial lie is often a lie of extreme childishness. Unwilling or unable to come to a common ground with our spouse over a financial decision, we act like an 8–year-old and steal the cookie when we think no one is looking. Instead of lying, work on communication and negotiation. If you and your spouse still cannot agree on a purchase, don’t make the purchase. (See: Do Not Commit Financial Adultery)

Lies of Feelings: The most common lies seem innocent. Saying, “I don’t care” when you actually do. Saying, “that’s fine,” when it’s actually not. These lies conceal how we truly feel. As I’ve written before, it’s not my job to read your mind. Loving someone doesn’t mean we have the ability to predict how they feel at every moment. Communication is necessary. If we do not tell the truth about what we think and how we feel, true intimacy cannot take place. Lying about feelings reveals that we don’t trust our spouses enough to show them who we actually are. It’s a warning sign of a relationship which isn’t as healthy as it might appear. True intimacy allows us to reveal our true selves to our spouses and know we will be loved.

We lie because we think lying is easier. It will get us what we want without anyone being hurt.

And it often works….for a time.

Yet eventually, lies are discovered.

Hearts are hurt.

Relationships are broken.

Trust is shattered.

Lying might be easier in the moment but it’s more difficult in the long haul.

That’s why it is vital to tell the truth.