There are some things love knows. Both the feeling and choice of love causes us to understand the object of our love. We seek to know what we love. At the deepest levels possible, we seek to know and be known by the one we love.

The power of knowledge is that it creates understanding which creates connection. True intimacy can’t happen without knowing one another. The process of understanding begins on the first date and should never end throughout life. We should continually seek to know our spouses.

As husbands, there are some pieces of information which are more important than others. Here are 5 specific things which a husband must know.

5 Things You Must Know

1. Her Stresses. One of the simplest tests to see how connected you are with your spouse is to understand their current stress level. Connected couples understand the stresses of one another. Part of this is dependent on our spouse letting us into their lives, but another part is us simply paying attention (or asking) how our spouse is feeling. A husband must know what stresses his wife. What are the toughest parts of her day? What are her more difficult seasons in the year? By knowing her stresses, a husband can provide extra support or take on more responsibility to lessen her load.(See: Intimacy Is Far More than Sex)

2. Her People.  Few things define us as the people we love and those we spend time with. If you want to know your spouse, know her people. Who are her lifelong friends? Who does she enjoy spending time with? If she could spend an evening with one person other than you, who would it be? By knowing her people, you can enable her to spend time with them. You will know who to contact if she needs encouragement. For some, family means everything. For others, they desperately need close friends. Knowing her people will empower you to know her.

3. Her Motivators. What drives your wife? What are the things you do that cause her to feel loved and valued? What brings her heart fully alive? By knowing what motivates our spouse, we can be sure to invest in them. We don’t motivate them just to get something from them. We motivate because we love. We want them to have energy, passion, and excitement for life.

4. Her De-Motivators. Just as important as knowing what brings your wife’s heart fully alive, we must know what depresses her. What have you done in the past that hurt her feelings or made her feel used? What are your tendencies which are demotivating to her–getting busy with other things so that you ignore her, overlooking her contribution, saying careless things, etc. By knowing the demotivators, we can avoid those actions or, when we fail, we can quickly seek forgiveness and reconciliation.

5. Her Dreams. Many couples miss out on one of the most fun aspects of marriage because they don’t try to help their spouse’s dreams come true. Marriage should be a place where someone is on our side. While living everyday life, a husband should also be trying to help his wife’s dreams come true. What has she always wanted to do? Who has she always wanted to be? What will her next chapter of life look like? By knowing her dreams, a husband can encourage and facilitate those dreams to become reality. (See: Wake Up Every Day and Consider How to Make Her Dreams Come True)

Jenny’s Addition

While she agrees with the previous five, Jenny wanted to make one addition.

6. Her Details. A husband can’t be expected to understand everything about his wife, but he should continually be studying and knowing the details of her life. How does she like her coffee? What is her favorite food? What’s a special treat which cheers her up or helps her celebrate a victory? Does she like to sleep in or get up early? If she only has a few minutes to break from her day, how would she spend that time? (See: How to Make Your Wife Feel Heard)

A healthy relationship can’t be defined by acing a test. Just because a husband knows some facts about his wife doesn’t guarantee that he is a good husband or that the relationship is healthy. However, if a husband doesn’t know some base facts, it’s nearly guaranteed the relationship is suffering because of it.

If you love your wife, study her. Ask her about things you don’t know, pay attention to the choices she makes, and figure out what makes her feel fully alive. If you want to love her, you’ve got to know her.

Write in the comments or on Facebook what should be the 7th thing a husband must know about his wife?