“My marriage is boring.”

I hear it all the time. Those words are often followed by:

• “It’s not bad.”
• “I know he loves me, but…”
• “We used to have great fun, but now she’s just kind of there.”
• “I don’t want to divorce him, but I want something different.”

Most marriages I encounter aren’t bad; they are boring. What started as a passionate love affair between two people has devolved into spouses living parallel lives with very little meaningful interaction. Ask either of them and they will quickly say they love one another, yet neither can say that they are excited about coming home or intrigued at what might happen in the next day, month, or year. Both can fairly assume that tonight will be boring and a year from now things will look about like they do now.

Marriage was never meant to be boring. While there are seasons in which we get into a rut and certain patterns evolve in every relationship, boring should never be the definitive description of our relationship. It may not be a red flag, but it at least is a yellow flag that should be recognized and action should be quickly taken.

If You Are Bored, Do This

Here are four steps to take if you are bored in marriage:

1. Be Intentional. Our marriage is boring because we have stopped taking intentional actions in the relationship. Remember what I wrote in Friends, Partners & Lovers, the number one cause of divorce is a lack of intention in marriage. The good news is that intention is something which you can start right now. Simply brainstorm three things you can do right now to make your marriage better. Do those things.

2. Pursue and Seduce. When a relationship first begins, a couple is pursuing and seducing one another. After we have “won” the other, these actions often stop. They shouldn’t. We should forever seek to pursue the heart of the one we love and seduce the other person toward us. Read, When Your Marriage Feels Stuck and identify ways you can better pursue and seduce your spouse.

 3. Get Help. Boredom is not a terminal condition to your relationship, but it is a serious threat. Boredom is much like skin cancer…caught early it is easily treatable with little impact on your longevity, but left untreated it can be fatal. Don’t panic, but call a counselor and get help. (See: When Your Marriage Feels Like You Just Co-Exist)

4. Do Something. Boredom flourishes in inactivity. And remember, worry is not an action. Simply thinking and talking to your friends about your boredom will not change a boring relationship. You have to do something. Read a book (like this one), take a trip, find a new hobby, turn off the electronics, go for a walk. Do something. If it doesn’t work, do something else. Keep doing things together until something creates a spark.

Love Is Not Boring

Boredom reveals something in our relationship; it shows that we are not loving well. While people can be boring, love never is. Love is too busy learning, growing, discovering, serving, engaging, and living that it doesn’t have time to be bored. If you are bored, which of those previous words are you doing–learning, growing, discovering, serving, engaging, and living. My guess is that you have stopped doing all those things in relation to your spouse. When we subtly stop loving (read that as an action, not a feeling) we can slowly drift into a routine that eventually becomes boring.

As we slow down our love, we grow restless. The cure is to love again. Find ways to engage your spouse in a meaningful way and the boredom will fade.

For more, see:

How to Jump-Start Your Sex Life