About once a week someone will tell me their dream is to work at a church.

It’s humbling to consider that I have the honor of doing what is the dream job of so many people.

Yet, it’s also hilarious.

It’s funny because there may not be a wider misconception of what people think happens on a job and what actually does happen on a job than the pastorate.

On the outside, working at a church is an angelic experience in which time is spent in prayer, reflection, deep study of God’s Word, and working alongside the greatest people on the planet.

On the inside, working at a church looks exactly like working at your office.

Like every parent, my Dad asked me, “What do you do all day?” I asked him to list off his duties as a CFO. After doing so, I said, “I do all of that but without your grouchy attitude.”

The inside workings of the church has every characteristic of any other work place with one major exception—a good number of people think we don’t do anything.

I was once at a party and upon hearing my profession a person asked, “Is that all you do?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond, but I have found it’s the perfect response if you want to humble someone.

A friend of mine works for NASA, I love to ask him, “Is that all you do?”

Many surgeons only operate of a morning. Try asking them, “So do you have an afternoon job as well?”

Of course, many pastors deserve the question “Is that all you do” because they don’t do very much in the pastorate. Sadly, the pastorate is an easy job to fake. However, if your church is large enough and you are working as you should, the pastorate is more than a full time position. The good news of the pastorate is you only work one day a week; the bad news is that day is always today.

The greatest perk of church work is working with great people—both paid and unpaid. While I think they are great, not everyone who visits the church office agrees.

The Devil Is In Your Heart

A few years ago a woman came into the office looking for financial assistance. She was deaf so we communicated by using a common piece of paper and pencil.

After she filled out her paperwork, I called her references and a person from her past warned me about her violent temper. “She’s an addict who is liable to hit someone if you don’t get her out of there,” he said.

I went to the front desk where she was standing with one of our staff people and the staff person whispered, “I think she’s getting angry.”

“WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?,” I said in a loud voice, she can’t hear you.

I tricked the woman into giving me the pencil she was holding and wrote on the piece of paper, “I’m sorry. Your references didn’t check out. We cannot help you.” She fumed. I wrote, “Would you kindly leave?”

And she did, but not before putting fingers on her head, beating her chest, and pointing at our staff person.

That’s right, before she left, she signed, “You’ve got the devil in your heart.”

Ding-Dong

A few years ago a certain staff prankster had a prank pulled on him.

Someone bought a remote controlled door bell and hid the bell in his office; they kept the remote control.

Every hour or so they would press the button which caused the bell to ring–ding-dong.

The staff member searched his desk, his bookcase, and even his ceiling but couldn’t find the bell.

The remote control was passed around and finally ended up in the hands of the oldest person in the office, a staff counselor who works every other day. Between sessions she pressed the button once or twice–ding-dong, ding-dong–and got a great kick out of it.

However, after lunch she placed the remote control in her back pocket and forgot about it.

When her next session began she sat down–ding-dong.

For the next hour, every time she changed “cheeks”–ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

For three hours–ding-dong. We couldn’t stop her because she was in session. He couldn’t find the door bell because it was hidden too well.

In case you are wondering:

37 is the number of times a counselor in  her 80s changes “cheeks” in an hour.

14 is the number of times a children’s pastor has to hear “ding-dong” before taking every tile out of his ceiling.

8 is the number of times you have to hear “ding-dong” in your co-workers office before nearly peeing yourself.

Of course the moral of the story: be careful about being a pain in the “rear’ to your co-workers, lest their “rear” becomes a pain to you.

And if you wonder what’s it’s like to work at a church office, realize you have to use the word “rear” when everyone knows that’s not what you mean.

Happy Friday.