Marriage must be about something bigger than you.

If it’s primarily about your happiness, your satisfaction, your well-being, and your contentment, a time will quickly come in which you aren’t happy, satisfied, well, or content. In those moments, what keeps you married? Even if you stay married, what motivates you to do something about the state of your marriage?

Marriage is about the transformation of our hearts to be more like God. This is our pursuit.

Happiness, satisfaction, emotional well-being, and contentment are all by-products of a healthy marriage. They are second results, not the main pursuit. The primary focus of a marriage should be becoming more like God. The Beatitudes would say, “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.”

It is our desire for God, more than our desire for our spouse, which should keep us married in the tough times.

Marriage is about a joint pursuit after the heart of God. Few things can assist us in experiencing the character of God as much as marriage.

Marriage reveals our sinfulness. Marriage and parenting are the two avenues in which God most often reveals my sinful heart. I never knew the depths of my selfishness, pettiness, or crankiness until I got married. I’ve always known I’ve needed to change, but marriage reveals how much change is needed. It also has shown me my desperate need for grace. I don’t need just a little forgiveness; I need a level of forgiveness I could never earn.

Marriage reveals our sinfulness in the safety of covenant love. Marriage reveals the depth of our depravity, but it does so in the safest of environments. It is only after we say, “I do, forever,” that we truly begin to see who we have married. If the revelations came before the promises, the promises might never be made. While I’m tempted to hide every fault and flaw, the safety which is found in a committed relationship allows me to reveal my sinfulness knowing I won’t be rejected by my spouse. We expect one another to discover sinful mindsets and behaviors. Instead of hiding them, we expose them in order to let God transform those areas of our lives. Without the security of covenant love, it would be impossible to have the courage of revealing who I really am. (See: The Most Important Marriage Advice I Could Ever Give)

Marriage provides accountability to change. Because we are both pursuing righteousness, marriage gives me the freedom to reveal my true nature, but it does not provide the liberty for me to continue in my sinfulness. If I don’t change, she knows it. If I’m continuing in a behavior, she has the right and the responsibility to call me on it. Transformation rarely happens alone. Marriage provides an automatic accountability partner as we both spur each other on to good works.

I’ve been a pastor for over a decade and during that time I’ve seen a lot of couples go through difficult times. Many do not make it, but some do. There is a common characteristic among most of the marriages which make it—both people are willing to work on themselves and the marriage. When one quits or will only focus on the other person changing, the marriage fails. Yet when both are open to work and change, the marriage normally makes it. (See: 5 Keys to Save Your Marriage)

When we see marriage as an avenue in which God is transforming our hearts to be like his, we will see every challenge in marriage through a different lens. We will see them as opportunities to learn about ourselves, about God, and about what changes we need to make to become more like him. We will see them as opportunities to receive God’s grace and to give that grace to others.

Have you ever considered marriage as a primary avenue God will use to change your heart?