When couples ask how much sex they should be having, I generally say, “Probably more than one of you wants and a little less than the other desires.” Rarely does a couple possess the same sex drive.
Most of the time a husband desires more sex than his wife, but about 30% of the time the wife has a higher drive. Because of these differences, continual communication and negotiation must take place to have a healthy sex life. (For the 30%, see: Gentleman, Start Your Engines)
Here is a simple test to see if you are having enough sex:
Imagine you’ve scheduled sex. Maybe it’s a birthday, an anniversary, Valentine’s Day, or just an agreed upon rendezvous. No matter the scenario, you both plan on having sex tonight. (See: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have)
Because sex is planned, the whole day is different. The day is filled with flirting. Moods are elevated. Communication is enhanced.
After work, the babysitter arrives. A nice restaurant is chosen. The night goes perfectly.
When you return home, the babysitter leaves, the kids are put to bed, and the time has arrived.
But there’s an issue. Maybe you ate too much. Maybe the night went too late. Maybe what began as a scratch in the throat has given way to a cold. Maybe work calls.
Whatever the issue, what was supposed to be the highlight of the night doesn’t take place.
What happens?
Disappointment is understandable.
Frustration is understood.
But is there trust? Compassion? Understanding?
Or is there anger? Bitterness? Deep division?
Extreme hurt or anger following this scenario can be a symptom of several issues but the most obvious may be the frequency, or infrequency, of sex. (See: I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either)
The more satisfied a couple is with sexual frequency, the less influence one episode has on the feelings of a couple. If one disappointment causes an extreme response, the problem is something other than the one event.
Consider it this way: the longer it’s been since your last meal, the more important your next meal will be. If you skipped breakfast this morning, you would probably be pretty frustrated if you had to work through lunch. Yet if you had a late breakfast and ate more than normal, you may not even be upset if your lunch meeting cancels.
If your spouse gets a headache tonight and doesn’t desire sex, will it be a minor frustration or a major fight? If it’s the former, you are probably having enough sex. If it’s the latter, you probably need to consider increasing the frequency.
A Second Thought
There is a second consideration on this issue. Junk food is far more tempting when we are hungry. It’s much easier to make wise choices regarding food when our stomachs are satisfied.
The same is true with sex. While an individual is responsible for their own decisions and adultery is clearly forbidden, a husband or wife can assist their spouse by making sure they are satisfied with their sex lives. To regularly starve our spouse and then to send them out in a junk food world is foolishness. (See: You Will Have an Affair If…)
Your spouse was created by God to desire sex. God has clearly communicated that sex is only between a husband and wife. If God created your spouse to desire sex and made you the only appropriate sexual outlet for your spouse, how does that influence how much sex you have with your spouse?
Knowing your spouse is going to face a lot of “junk food” tomorrow, what kind of meal do you plan to cook for them tonight?
Are you happy with your sex life? Forward this to your spouse and thank them.
Is there some aspect of your sex life which needs improvement? Forward this to your spouse as a discussion starter.
For more, see:
Spicing Up Married Sex by Learning from the Adulterer
23 Responses to Are You Having Enough Sex?