I told Silas to get out of the car. When he delayed, I opened the door and asked my typical question, “Silas, are you making a good choice or a bad choice?” He answered, “I’m making a bad choice, go ahead and throw your fit.”

Of course I couldn’t, “throw my fit,” because I was laughing too hard. This is the normal game between parents and children. Children get in trouble, parents get mad, children get out of trouble if they can make their parent laugh. My children get out of trouble a lot, specifically Silas.

Silas is a 5 year-old little boy who is the result of having too unemotional parents who work in the field of communication. He has the normal brain of any 5 year-old but he has the communication skills (or at least the desire to communicate) of someone twice his age. The result is a plethora of funny conversations

I began the Twitter handle @RaisingSilas just so I would have an archive of what he has said.

Here are some of my favorites:

On Cake:

Silas: “And then we had s@#t cake.”

Me: “You mean sheet cake?”

Silas: “Yeah, sheet cake.”

On Relationships:

Silas: “Dad, do you know what mom is wearing today?”

Me: “No.”

Silas: “Well you should.”

On his mother:

“Now she’s going to decorate for Valentine’s day? What the..”

“Mom, I love you more than a used banana peel.”

“Dad, I’m worried. If mom is sick, how are we going to eat?”

One thing Silas learned not to say to his mother, “Okay, bossy.”

“Mom, this blanket I had as a baby reminds me of when you loved me.”

 

Silas: “Daddy, is mommy a young woman?”

Me: “Silas, is daddy a liar?”

On religion:

Grandma gave Silas a dollar for the offering plate. When the plate accidentally skipped his row, Silas said, “That’s one for me.”

Silas on prayer, “Our Father in heaven, wake up!….and lead us not into participation.”

Critiquing my Easter dinner prayer, Silas said, “Dad, I would spend a little more time focusing on Jesus and him dying for our sins.”

While taking a bath, “Dad, I’m just going to baptize myself. It will save you some time later.”

On pee:

“If the dog can pee here, why can’t I?”

Me: “Silas, why is the floor wet?

Silas: “Dad, you know how I normally try to pee straight? This time I tried to pee crooked.”

 

Me: “Silas, why is it wet underneath my desk?”

Silas: “I don’t know, I didn’t pee there.”

 

Me: “Silas, why do you take your socks off to pee?”

Silas: “So they don’t get wet.”

 

Me: “Hold it, not them. That’s why you are missing the toilet.”

Silas: “But I thought that’s why there are two of them, one for each hand.”

On Col. Sanders:

“That guy with the beard, he’s got some good chicken.”

“If they would replace corn with chicken, I would eat it. Chicken on the cob, now that sounds good.”

On his Nana:

While listening to his Nana tell a story, “Nana, can you just let us be on our way?”

Nana: “Silas, the older women like you.”

Silas: “Old women like you?”

On life:

“But Dad, I didn’t call Ella stupid. I was talking about you.”

Teacher: “He didn’t mean to push you down, Silas, he lost his balance.”

Silas: “He didn’t lose his balance, he lost his mind.”

 

“Hey Jew, don’t be afraid. Take a sad song and make it better.”

 

Silas: “Dad, I’m thirsty. We need to stop and have a beer.”

Me: “Who told you about beer.”

Silas: “Oh, never mind.”

 

Me: “Silas, why don’t you write a book.”

Silas: “Because you named me Silas and not Arthur. Only Arthurs can write a book.”

 

Me: “Silas, her name is Sybil.”

Silas: “They fought over her?”

Confused, I asked him to explain.

Silas: “You know, the Sybil War.”

 

“I’m like a little boy in a candy store,” Silas, while getting candy from a candy store.

These are some of my favorite sayings of Silas, but they are not the funniest. The greatest things he has said, I’m not allowed to Tweet, blog, or mention from stage on Sunday morning.

I can, however, tell my favorite Silas story:

It happened a few years ago. Ella was in Kindergarten and had a difficult day which resulted in her being sent to the principal’s office. This fascinated Silas. As we sat down for dinner, it’s all he wanted to talk about.

• “What was the principal’s office like?”
• “Have you been sent there before?”
• “Did she give you a spanking?”
• “Did you cry?”
• “Will you get sent to the principal’s office tomorrow?”

On and on he went until I finally began to feel sorry for Ella. Eventually I had enough and I told him, “Silas, that’s enough. It is none of your business. So help me, if the next words out of your mouth aren’t about you and your day, you are going to be in big trouble.

Silas thought for a moment and then said, “Well, I didn’t go to the principal’s office today.”