I was having lunch next to a table of middle-aged men. One of the men was railing against his wife.

• “She never does this.”
• “She never does that.”
• “She’s always on me.”
• “I get home at 10:30 and she just huffs at me and goes to bed.”
• “She won’t even sleep with me.”

As I listened to the rant, one thought kept reoccurring—“I wouldn’t sleep with you either.”

Listening to him didn’t make me wonder why his wife wouldn’t have sex with him. It made me wonder why she had ever had sex with him. He was bitter, cold, and selfish. I can’t think of a worse trifecta when it comes to intimacy than those three. Yet he couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to have sex.

One of the great problems with humanity is our inability to see ourselves the way other people see us. We lose track of reality which leads to confusion, questions and doubt. (See: What Your Husband Wants From You in Bed)

• Why does she feel that way?
• Why does he act like that?
• Why does she assume I think that?

While we can’t control what other people do, say, or feel, we do influence their actions, thoughts, and words.

In marriage, we often mistakenly assume our spouses will continue doing the things we like even if we stop doing the things they like.

It’s a form of entitlement. (See: In Marriage, It’s All Foreplay)

Instead of seeing the marriage relationship as a give and take of mutual benefit, we begin to believe we are entitled to all the privileges of marriage even if we fail to carry out the responsibilities of marriage.

There is a simple exercise to assist us in seeing ourselves for who we actually are.

Imagine if every interaction you have with your spouse today was the first set of interactions you ever had with them. Would she give you her phone number? Would he call you? Based on how you acted today, would he ask you to marry him? Would she say yes?

One of the most foolish decisions a couple makes is the choice to stop pursuing their spouse with the intensity and purpose with which most relationships start. What begins with very intentional actions–calling her on the phone, positioning yourself where she can see you, exploring what she likes or doesn’t like, presenting yourself in the most positive way–devolves into any lack of effort to sustain the marriage. (See: ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’ Matter as Much as Sex)

Last Friday night I took the kids to play Putt-Putt. As we played, there were three teenage couples also playing. It was funny to watch them. The boys were trying hard. They were laughing loudly, acting goofy, and doing everything in their power to impress their dates.

At what point do men stop doing this?

When do we no longer attempt to earn the attention of our woman? When does hope turn to entitlement? When does effort turn to expectation? When does action turn to apathy?

And it’s not a one-way street. At what point to women stop trying? When does the lingerie turn into old pajamas? When does encouragement turn to accusation? When do attempts to turn-on give way to intentional acts to turn off?

At the park, every girl was dressed nice, was joking back with their date, and for goodness sake, they were playing putt-putt. I seriously doubt that putt-putt was the main hope of those girls when the boy asks them out for Friday. Few things are more boy-centered than putt-putt.

Yet there they were. The boys were trying and the girls appreciating their effort. (See: What I Tell College Students About Married Sex)

But where are you?

Men, are you pursuing your wife? Are you working to get their attention, to impress, to make them laugh, to love them, to support them, to be their man?

Women, are you pursuing your husband? Are you laughing at their silliness, taking time out of your busyness to do something with them, working to get your husband’s look, attention, and affection?

We are foolish if we think we can keep strong affections for one another without any effort. Love must be kindled or it will die. We either work at it with great intention or we lose it in unconscious apathy.

If you aren’t trying, you are dying.

Most marriages don’t die from wrong intentions; they die from no intention. One or both spouses fail to intentionally nourish the relationship and it slowly fades. Intention gives way to entitlement. Few things kill true intimacy like believing you are entitled to it.

Do you want your spouse to sleep with you? Be worth sleeping with.

(For more, see Friends, Partners & Lovers)