Never Throw Ashes Up Wind

I have a general rule—I will not be the one to spread someone’s ashes.

I’ll do the funeral for anyone and anywhere, but I will not deposit the ashes no matter what a person’s final wish.

A few years back, I did a funeral at a golf course.

For some, it seems like an odd place for a funeral, but for many it’s the place in which they most often mention God’s name.

The funeral was a simple one—a few words, a recorded song and a closing prayer.

After the funeral concluded, the family requested that I spread the man’s ashes at his favorite spot—the 18^th tee box.

I told the family it would be more meaningful if a family member would do the actual spreading as I presided over the service.

They agreed so as I led a simple service, the man’s son was to spread his father’s ashes off the hillside of the finishing hole.

The crowd gathered, I prayed, and the son made a critical mistake. Whether you are hitting a 3–wood or spreading ashes off that hill, you always want to take a blade of grass and throw it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing. Sometimes it is downwind, but often the wind is howling up the hill.

Like many a golfer, the man quickly learned what he forgot to check.

Charlie was poured from the bag, caught an updraft and immediately flew over the heads of the congregation and into the woods.

Everyone stood in stunned silence until I finally said, “It looks like a slice.”

 

Be Careful Who You Marry

The only problem with cremation is it creates a life-long dilemma—who keeps possession of the ashes.

One couple went through an ugly divorce and when the wife was cleaning her things out of the house, she took her ex-father-in-law’s ashes out of spite.

The two were not particularly close, but she believed she deserved half of everything and she dared her ex-husband to come get his half of his dad.

The husband called his lawyer who in turn called her lawyer. Before the judge got involved, the woman came to her senses and returned the urn to the husband’s driveway.

The only problem is that she returned the urn while at a high rate of speed and out her driver side window.

The urn shattered, the ashes went everywhere, and while her text was truthful, it probably wasn’t kind—”your Dad is in the driveway.”

 

So if you are wanting me to spread your ashes one day, I won’t.

If someone does, they need to check the wind.

And if the ashes are ever stolen, you might ask that they be returned gently.