You can change your marriage today. It’s not easy or painless, but it’s possible.

Yet there is only one way to change your marriage.

It’s not by:

• getting your spouse into counseling
• finding a way to change your spouse
• getting your way

You can’t change your marriage by changing your spouse because you can’t change your spouse.

If you think you can, stop it.

If you are trying, stop it.

If you still doubt me, stop it.

You can’t change your spouse.

But you can change you. (See: This Is How You Change)

You can pray for your spouse to change, but you can only work toward your own change.

You are in charge of you and you can change.

If you change, your marriage can change.

Here are 8 Questions Every Person Should Ask regarding their marriage:

1. Am I full of pride? It can express itself not only with an arrogant demeanor but also as self-loathing. “Look at me” and “poor me” are the same phrase with different wording. Pride destroys a marriage, but humility allows a relationship to flourish. (See: Pride–The Only Enemy of Marriage)

2. Am I expecting too much? Marriage is not supposed to complete you. Your spouse is incapable of making all your dreams come true. Marriage is supposed to be a difficult struggle which reminds you heaven is not found on earth. To expect it from others is to expect too much.

3. Am I being too aggressive or too apathetic? Neither are right. Forcing your way or never communicating your way are both wrong. A middle ground between apathy and aggression must be found for a marriage to be successful.

4. Am I desiring the wrong things? Appearance, money, comfort, success, can all be good things but they are not the ultimate things which should be sought. Whenever we pursue the wrong things, our marriage suffers. Whenever we pursue after the right things, our marriage thrives.

5. Am I withholding mercy from my spouse? Do you give mercy to your spouse or do you make them earn it. When mercy becomes a transactional exchange, it is not true mercy. Without mercy, intimacy cannot flourish.

6. Am I blinded by sin? Addictions, pride, obsessions can blind us from the truth. Deception is a dangerous game which destroys relationships by destroying individuals. If there is a rebellious area of your life, it will affect your marriage. If you are in denial in one area of life, you cannot see your marriage clearly.

7. Am I unwilling to compromise? Marriage is one compromise after another. If you are not willing to give and take in a variety of areas, you are not willing to do what is necessary to be happy. Only in a marriage where both spouses feel as though they are giving more than the other is an actual balance of compromise taking place.

8. Am I overly concerned about comfort? Marriage is an exclusive relationship. It creates a hard boundary between us and others. These boundaries will confuse some, hurt some, and offend some. Yet their confusion, hurt, and offense is necessary if you are honoring your spouse over all others. This can cause discomfort. When comfort is our primary goal, we can end up pleasing everyone around us at the expense of pleasing our spouse. (See: Every Successful Person I Know Does This)

For every question which receives an answer of “yes,” you have an area of change which can take place.

By the way, do the questions sound familiar? Read Matthew 5.

For more, check out:

The Most Important Marriage Advice I Could Ever Give

Blessed are the Married Who Mourn