14 Ways the Elf on the Shelf Might Die

I’ve always wondered what the signs of pastoral burnout might be. One pastor tells of his experience of going for a job and finding himself weeping uncontrollably. Another person in the helping profession talks about losing a close relative and never shedding a tear. I’m cognizant of the dangers of burnout in a profession with such an emotional toll.

I recently think I crossed the line when I found myself lying in bed at 2am imagining ways the Elf on the Shelf might die.

I’m not proud of this confession. Dreaming of the death of a beloved child-figure cannot be a healthy step for a pastor. Yet it was a true occurrence and I don’t think I’m alone in wishing bodily harm to the tiny puppet.

The Elf on the Shelf is meant to be a character of great fun, but in our house it is a tool of parental guilt. A few mornings ago our 6 year-old ran into our bedroom and said, “Mom, you forgot to move the elf again.”

Last night when I realized we had forgotten to move the elf, instead of dreaming up creative ways to entertain our children, I began to brainstorm ways the elf could meet an early demise.

So here are the 14 ways I think the Elf on the Shelf might die:

1. He was the victim of medical mal-practice from Doc McStuffins.

2. He died in a tragic accident jumping off the tree trying to turn off the movie Frozen.

3. He began selling an online weight loss product during the off season and was murdered by his Facebook friends who were tired of his pushy posts.

4. He had an unfortunate occurrence with Crocodile Dentist.

5. He mistook a Breaking Bad Action Figure for a Tickle-Me Elmo.

6. He confused the garbage disposal for a hot tub.

7. He was strangled by the Sock Monkey for reasons which are still unknown.

8. Ken caught him in the dream house.

9. His body was found stuffed into an Easy Bake Oven.

10: Four Words–Shelf on the Elf.

11. He told the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to go back to the 80s.