It’s well known that men struggle to understand marriage. (See: Five Stupid Ideas Men Have About Marriage)

What isn’t as recognized is that women misunderstand marriage just as much. Many people wrongly believe women are born with an innate understanding of marriage, while men are deeply confused. The truth is that both men and women struggle to have a true view of a healthy marriage.

Generally, women are better at marriage. Most (notice, not all) marriages which fail, do so because men are not willing to play the role they should. Yet, women have lessons they need to learn as well.

Here are five lies women commonly believe about marriage:

1. If I marry a good man, I’ll have the perfect family. Women commonly equate marriage with family. Men commonly equate marriage with marriage. Women assume finding a good man guarantees a great family, but this is a false conclusion. It makes a good family much more possible, but it doesn’t guarantee a good family, and a perfect family doesn’t exist. Even good men can struggle with aspects of family life. Sometimes wives set a bar of expectation no one can meet. On occasion, the man’s family of origin has not properly prepared him for family life. Some men are great in many areas, but struggle with family time or meeting their wife’s needs regarding family. A good man doesn’t always produce a great family. (See: I Know Who Is In Charge of Your Family)

2. If my husband loves me, he will understand me. No he won’t. He may or may not love you, but he will never fully understand you. My guess is that you don’t even fully understand yourself. He should grow in his understanding of you. In some areas, he might seem very informed. But there will always be aspects about who you are as a woman which will make no sense to him. For this reason, you must forever work to understand yourself so you can help your husband have a better understanding of who you are. But never expect him to understand everything about you. (See: It’s Not My Job to Read Your Mind)

3. I need to help my husband change. I have no doubt your husband needs to change. We all need to change. Your husband might need to change even more than most men. But it is not your job to change your husband. You can’t change your husband in a positive way. He can choose to change. He can allow you to assist him in changing. But you can’t change him. When a wife tries to change her husband, she is attempting to play a role other than wife (either parent or God). It’s fair to pray for your husband to change and to encourage any positive steps he might take. But a wife should never attempt to change her husband; it will simply frustrate both spouses. (See: How to Better Control Yourself)

4. Sex is just for him. Many women wrongly believe sex is simply for the man. This conclusion is drawn either from poor education or years of disappointment. Some women never know they can enjoy sex, while others give up any hope of enjoyment. But sex is not just for the man. It is meant to be an enjoyable experience for both spouses which bonds the relationship. When sex becomes all about one partner, it is no longer beneficial toward the marriage. In a healthy marriage, both spouses believe sex is about the couple and about the individual. (See: One Tip to Improve Married Sex)

5. I’m failing as a woman, wife, and mother. It’s tragic to hear how many women believe they are failing in these roles. Some may be failing at one or all, but most are not. No one is perfect, but most women are far better than they realize. Women too often believe it is impossible to be a good wife and mother, while also keeping a sense of their own identity and life. It’s not impossible. Each role complements the other. While at times expectations might feel at odds, if a woman will simply relax, do her best, set realistic expectations for herself, and refuse the guilt of others or her own self-imposed guilt, she will realize she is succeeding much more than she thinks.  (See: How to Be a Super Mom)

Marriage is not easy, but it is nearly impossible whenever we fail to understand the truth. These five lies commonly lead women astray when it comes to marriage. If women would replace these lies with the truth, they would have a better chance of experiencing the benefits of a healthy marriage.