In a healthy marriage, the greatest aspect of sex is giving pleasure.

Nothing epitomizes the highest ideals of Christian marriage as each spouse submitting their own desires in an attempt to give pleasure to the other and all within the confines of a committed, life-long relationship.

It’s the highest idea, but it’s not the norm. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)

In too many relationships, sex becomes the symptom of a broken relationship. Feelings are hurt; intentions are questioned; trust is destroyed; and each partner begins to look out for him or herself at the expense of the other.

Consider the two contrasts:

In one relationship each spouse submits their own desires to the desires of the other in a hope to give pleasure.

In the other relationship each spouse demands their own desires at the expense of the other in a hope to get pleasure.

Of course the result is that when each spouse attempts to give pleasure rather than seek it, they both give it and receive it.

When each spouse demands to receive pleasure rather than give it, neither give or receive.

Submission is risky business. Whenever we put the well-being of another above ourselves, we run the risk of someone taking advantage of us, exploiting us, and taking us for granted.

It’s a way of life into which no one should rush. There is too much pain and evil in the world to quickly submit yourself to someone else. This type of relationship should only be pursued as trust is established and one’s heart has been fully shown.

Yet no sexual relationship should exist except one built on mutual submission. (See: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have)

This is why sex should be saved for marriage. It’s only after a person is found worthy of me devoting my entire life to them that they should become the object of my sexual desire.

Once trust is built and commitments are made, a couple should then pursue after a relationship in which sex becomes about giving pleasure to the other.

It never starts there for a man. It might for a woman, but never for a man. A sexual relationship always begins for a man with the man thinking of his own pleasure. But as he matures and experiences the joy of bringing pleasure to his wife, his attitude and desire should change. (See: What Your Husband Wants From You In Bed)

As he begins to desire fulfilling his wife’s desire, his wife can let down her guard and begin to submit her desire to his. When both spouses make the pleasure of the other their highest goal, sex reaches a new level of intimacy and meaning.

This should be the pursuit of every couple.

No couple will ever fully arrive. If you ever think you have sex (or any aspect of marriage) figured out, something will happen to bring you back to earth. However, you can make progress. You can grow and mature in experience and understanding so that seeking the pleasure of the other is the highest goal. (See: What I Tell College Students About Married Sex)

Sadly, many couples never reach this level of sexual intimacy because they give up. They either settle into a one-sided sexual relationship which ignores the pleasure of one spouse, or they devolve into a sexless marriage where neither spouse is finding any satisfaction. This is an unacceptable outcome. Unless there is an unusual circumstance, a couple should never accept a sexless or ‘hardly any sex’ relationship. It was not God’s design and it is not his intent.

Notice the travesty which is a sexless relationship. Not only is a spouse denied sexual pleasure, but they are also denied the greatest aspect of sex—giving pleasure to their spouse. When marriages do not focus on pleasing one another, they can only devolve into focusing on getting pleasure for self. The result is failed intimacy, selfishness, a lack of service, abuse, manipulation, and an absence of love. (See: I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either)

But when a couple experiences the joys of pleasing one another sexually, not only does their intimacy grow, but also that joy ripples into every other area of life.

It’s a funny thing about sex. After sex, I’m more likely to clean the kitchen, mow the yard, watch the kids, etc. I don’t mean to be more willing to do those things; I simply am more willing. The reason? Sex connects me with my wife which causes my brain to think more about what would bring her pleasure. And sometimes picking up the dirty clothes from around the bed brings her as much pleasure as anything which might happen in the bed.

While it should never be the intention, finding ways to please your spouse outside of the bedroom makes it more likely your spouse will find ways to please you in the bedroom. It’s not a quid pro quo; it’s simply the development of thoughtfulness and affection which influences every area of the relationship. (See: ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’ Matter as Much as Sex)

The greatest aspect of sex is not receiving pleasure, it is giving pleasure. When a couple can submit their own desires in order to fulfill the desire of their spouse, they will find a deeply meaningful sexual experience. It’s a truth only the most committed of couples could ever know.

For More, See:

The 24 Hour Sex Rule

This Is Only for Women, Men Shouldn’t Read