I regularly ask myself one question: “Who do I want to be?”

It reminds me of the person I aspire to be and assists me in making the right decisions in order to become that person. (See: What Every Leader Should Look For)

It’s true as an individual, a family, or an organization. Without intentional effort, we will not become the people we want to be. We will take the easy road, choose the petty response, and continually make choices which might seem justified in the moment but which will not lead to the result we desire in the end. (See: The Number One Cause of Divorce)

The only way we can become the people we want to be is by continual reflection, repentance, and a tremendous effort. It’s true in every area of life, but especially marriage.

What kind of husband do I want to be? Unless I consider that question and make decisions in light of my answer, I will neither be the husband Jenny deserves nor the one I desire.

Here are ten things I want to be as a husband:

1. In humility, I know that I will not have all the answers and will seek wisdom, understanding, and accountability from a loving community in order to become a good husband.

2. I will do whatever it takes for the success of my marriage. (See: I Love People Who Have This)

3. I am more concerned with the long-term satisfaction of my marital relationship than any temporary discomfort or pain.  (See: Every Successful Person I Know Does This)

4. Knowing that I will fail, I will be quick to admit when I am wrong and to seek forgiveness from my wife.

5. Knowing that I will fail, I will be slow to blame my spouse and will be generous in giving her grace.

6. Because I love my children and desire to be a good father, I will not put them first in my life but will love and serve their mother as my top priority.  

7. I will view my wife as a gift from God and will never feel entitled to her or someone other than her.

8. I will never assume that we have arrived but will always seek to pursue her and know her more. (See: How to Stay Married in the Tough Times)

9. My happiness and satisfaction is a gift I will give to my wife and not something I will expect her to provide for me. (See: 3 Things Marriage Can Never Do For You)

10. I will devote myself to my wife primarily as an act of obedience to God and secondarily out of my love for her. (See: Why Marriage Matters to the Church)

This is who I want to be. This isn’t always who I am. Regularly I fail to live up to the standard which I want to live by. Yet having the standard helps me know when I fail and motivates me to do better.

By taking the time, defining what is valuable, writing what is important, I’m far more likely to strive toward my goal. Whenever we assume we know what is important or that we will improve without any intention, we fool ourselves. A list does not guarantee any outcome, but it does make certain outcomes more likely.

Who do you want to be as a husband or wife? What are the most important aspects of being a spouse?

Consider them. Write them down. Share them with your spouse.

Which of the ten is your favorite and why?

If you could suggest a #11, what would it be?