Few things kill intimacy between two people like an absence of respect.

It’s often said that what men need most is respect and what women need most is love. It simply isn’t true.

Women need respect just as much as men. Respect is an aspect of love within the context of marriage. (See: Respect–A Necessary Ingredient for Marriage)

The need for a husband to respect his wife is just as important as a wife respecting her husband.

Five ways a husband respects his wife:

1. He seeks to fully know her and to woo her heart. Respect drives action. As a byproduct of respect, I should seek to know my wife more. Because I respect what I know, I desire to know even more. I then use that knowledge in order to win her heart over and over again. This is easily done while dating, but, sadly, many men stop attempting to woo their wife after a ring is placed on her finger. This is disrespectful. Whenever a woman says, “I do,” her husband should continue to invest in her heart and build her affection toward him. Whether through intention or apathy, to fail to learn more about my wife is to communicate a lack of respect for who she is and who she wants to become.

2. He is a true partner to her in raising children, making a home, and fulfilling her dreams. Respect includes time, work, and aspirations. Whenever a husband fails to be a partner to his wife in every area of her life, he is showing that he does not respect her responsibilities, giftedness, and expectations. One of the joys of marriage should be the knowledge that we are not alone in anything. In every aspect of life I have someone cheering me on and assisting me to do what needs to be done. We expect this from women toward their husbands. We should also expect it from men toward their wives. (See: Mary a Partner, Not a Child)

3. He speaks to her and about her with respect. Communication is often the easiest way to identify if someone respects another. We are quick to excuse poor communication in the context of marital commitment, but it should not be excused. While grace should always be given and no one is perfect, it is fair for a spouse to expect to be talked to and talked about in a respectful way. A husband should talk about his wife in a way that honors her, and protects her weaknesses and privacy. He should also talk to her in a way that reveals the deep love and admiration he has for her. (See: Respect–the Secret to Good Communication in Marriage)

4. He is influenced by her opinions and beliefs. People I respect influence me. I can’t help it. Because I hold them in such high admiration, I am changed because of them. If a husband is not influenced by his spouse, he does not respect her. In order to be influenced, I have to seek my wife’s opinions and attempt to understand her beliefs. Anytime I assume I know her or I excuse what she thinks, I am failing to respect her. Men and women are different. We see things differently and understand things differently. A wise husband sees his wife as his greatest ally in business, family, and life. Even if she doesn’t know the details of what he is doing, she is the leading expert on his strengths and weaknesses. This knowledge should make her a trusted ally.

5. He nourishes a healthy emotional relationship with her. For some men this is easy. For others it is very difficult. Yet because I respect my spouse, I desire to give her what she needs. I am not fully responsible for everything she needs, but there are many things which can only come from me. It is a sign of respect when a husband lets down his guard and allows his wife to have full access to his heart—what he is thinking, feeling, fearing, desiring, etc. This is a risky proposition and one we shouldn’t just try with anyone. Only in the context of deep love should we attempt such a relationship. (See: A Checklist to Gauge Your Emotional Health)

Respect is a vital part of any relationship. It is a necessary aspect of a healthy marriage. Where respect is present, problems are negotiable, communication is helpful, and compassion is abounding. Where respect is absent, everything is toxic.

Husbands, love your wives by developing a deep respect for them.

Women, what is it that makes you feel the most respected by your husbands?

For more, see:

Five Ways a Wife Respects Her Husband

Obey Your Mother, Respect My Wife