It’s all foreplay. Everything. From the cleanliness of the kitchen, to the tone used in the latest disagreement, to the last time you visited your in-laws. All of it.

In the movies sex is compartmentalized into one segment of life. Because of this division from the rest of life, it doesn’t matter when you do it or with whom you do it. Sex is easy, available, and always satisfying.

But in real life, sex is much more complicated. It can’t be separated from the rest of life. A conversation that happens in the morning can have a positive or negative impact on activity engaged in that night. A physical interaction with a person cannot be separated from the emotional or spiritual aspect of those involved.

Sex influences everything and everything influences sex.

A few hundred people were in the room for a three-hour conference on marriage. The primary focus of the night was on the importance of friendship in marriage. It’s foundational. Where friendship exists, a thriving marriage is possible. Where it is absent, the marriage will devolve into a lesser relationship. (See: How to Create Friendship in Marriage)

The night was a great success. Engaging, informative, and fun were many of the words used to describe the evening on the evaluations. But one answer kept getting repeated on the survey question “What’s one thing we could add to make this event better?” Person after person said we needed to talk more about sex.

We hadn’t ignored the topic. Throughout the night we made references to sex and during a Q&A many of the questions were about sex, but several attendees believed we needed to spend more time on this important topic.

It was a good insight on how we could make the event better, but it was also a look into a common misconception of married couples. They didn’t realize we had talked about sex all night. Everything we said was about sex. They were looking at sex as a compartment and wanted us to speak about it more. We were looking at sex as an aspect which influences, and is influenced by, every other part of life.

It’s all foreplay. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)

Not that everything should be done with a motivation toward sex. If every interaction turns into a quid pro quo for sex, the marriage will not be successful. It will become transactional–mimicking a street-walker’s relationship with a John more than a husband’s love for his wife.

Everything shouldn’t be viewed through the lens of sex, but sex should be seen as being influenced by everything.

Most fights about sex are not about sex. Some are. Some problems are specifically sex problems–physical issues, illness, being raised in shaming culture can directly hinder one’s sexual experience. However, most of the time a couple fights about sex, the real issue is actually something else.

Communication. Most sex problems are communication problems. Because a couple cannot effectively discuss and navigate difficult issues, it hinders their sex life. If a couple cannot freely and appropriately communicate their feelings, they are very unlikely to be able to clearly communicate their sexual desires. This negatively influences sex. (See: The Secret to Good Communication in Marriage)

Friendship. The best sex most often happens between the best of friends. Because a friend cares for you, knows you, listens to you, and is willing to submit to you, they make for better lovers. When a couple develops a deep friendship, it can’t help but better their sex lives. Many couples who have a less satisfying sex life are struggling because their friendship has decayed.

Partnership. When one partner isn’t carrying their weight, the other partner feels used. If a spouse feels used in one area of life, they will struggle to give in another area of life. On a weekly basis, I receive emails (particularly from women) who say they struggle to sleep with their spouse because their spouse is lazy or refuses to do their part around the house or with the kids. A bad household partner often makes for a bad sexual partner. (See: This Is Who You Want to Marry)

Sex isn’t everything, but everything influences sex. When a couple realizes that everything is foreplay, they have the opportunity to greatly improve their sexual experience.