There are times in which I’d rather focus on my phone than my wife (or anyone for that matter). It’s not that I love my phone more than in her. It’s that after a long day with plenty of demands, it’s nice to lull myself into entertainment-sleep with no concerns or expectations for or from anyone else.

A phone is always easy; marriage is not. Even a good relationship has frustrations, demands, and expectations.

If there’s a topic on my phone I want to avoid, I can keep scrolling. If my wife brings up a topic I’d rather not discuss, I don’t have that option.

A relationship with my phone is one-sided–it gives and I receive. The relationship with my wife better not be one-sided–we both must give and receive.

With my phone, I’m solely in charge of determining when we interact. With my spouse, it’s a give and take relationship and when she needs me she has every right to expect me to be there for her.

Human nature leans toward ease. For this reason, we will unknowingly nourish a relationship with a phone while starving our relationship with our spouse. But clearly, a relationship with a real person is far more vital to us than one with a phone. We must forsake what is easy in order to do what is important. This requires discernment when it comes to using technology, especially our phones. (See: 5 Rude Behaviors Created by Technology)

5 Ways to Love Your Spouse More Than Your Phone

1. When your wife seeks your attention, give it fully to her. This isn’t to say that every time she speaks, you have to put your phone down. It’s possible to be engaged with your phone and have some small talk with your spouse. However, in most cases when your wife makes a bid for your attention, she needs to know and see that she will fully get it. More often than not, put your phone down and you look your spouse in the eye when she speaks to you.

2. Create times in which your phone is off limits. While your wife should be able to get your attention whenever she wants, she should know she will have your attention at certain times. Mealtimes, bedtimes, certain events, or specific times are all options where you could both agree that phones will not be present. By intentionally making phones off-limits, you will learn to communicate more.

3. Give your spouse full access to your phone. Nothing should be off-limits to your spouse. She should have full access to everything on your phone. One of the greatest warning signs of potential adultery is hidden passwords or areas on our phone where our spouse isn’t allowed. Choose full transparency with one another. Don’t check-up on your spouse, but do occasionally pick up their phone in order to remind yourself they are being honest and faithful.

4. Never communicate anything negative to your spouse via text. Phones can be a tremendous asset to couples especially in the hectic years of career and family. A wise couple uses phones to stay connected, communicate quickly, and build their relationship. The ease of texting and messaging should always be used for good. Save the tough conversations for face-to-face interactions where you can see expressions, read body language, and hear tone.

5. Openly discuss the use of technology without defensiveness. Listen. if your spouse feels you are too dependent on your phone, consider her point. Make changes. While fair expectations should be set, some spouses will desire less phone use than others. Hear what your wife desires and do your best to adjust your use. Like everything in marriage, technology use must be discussed and negotiated. It’s not one conversation. It’s a continuous conversation over the years. (See: When Your Spouse Overuses Social Media)

It sounds silly to think that someone would love their phone more than their spouse. While few people feel more affection for an object than their spouse, many people give more energy to their phone than their wife. Don’t make this mistake. Love your wife more than your phone.