Saying “please” and “thank you” is just as important as sex. And they might be more important.

Sex is important.

I’ve written about it a lot: If I Could Only Tell Wives One Thing, Pastoral Advice for Single Women, and I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either. And I’ll write about it a whole lot more. (It’s coming readers. Several have asked for advice when the husband doesn’t want sex. That post will appear very soon).

Yet gratitude matters just as much as sex.

Gratitude and sex have a lot in common. As they wane, they are often the first signs of an unhealthy marriage.

The difference between gratitude and sex is that gratitude can be improved by one individual whereas a healthy sex life requires both partners.

As I said in Why We Should Still Give Away the Bride, I often remind brides and grooms that the other is a gift they are being given. As long as they see each other as a gift, the marriage will thrive. As soon as they see each other as an entitlement or liability, the marriage will die.

Just as young couples need to be reminded, so do couples who have been married for some time.

While most couples would claim to be grateful for their spouses, the amount of gratitude they show might be far less than they realize.

How often one says “please” and “thank you” may be a more accurate representation of true gratitude than how one responds to the question, “Are you grateful for your spouse?”

It’s easy to get out of the routine. There is no telling how many meals my wife cooks in which I never say “thank you.” Between corralling the kids and trying to clean the kitchen it is easy to forget. Yet there is a slippery slope of forgetfulness and routine. It can easily lead to our spouses feeling forgotten, overlooked, and demeaned.

Gratitude speaks to our hearts. It recognize our humanity, our free choice, and our willful decision to act kindly toward another. By recognizing the good acts of another, we communicate our appreciation and it creates deep intimacy.

Intimacy is a by-product of gratitude.

It could be that many sexless marriages are gratitude-less marriages.

How grateful are you for your spouse?

Consider the following questions:

• When was the last time you thanked your spouse for a doing a chore which they do routinely?
• How often do you ask your spouse if there is a way you can help them today?
• Do you regularly tell your spouse why you love them, not just that you love them?
• Do you know how your spouse best feels loved and do you regularly make a conscious effort to communicate in that way?
• Do you hear and acknowledge your spouses feelings when he/she communicates them to you?
• Do you say “please” when asking them to do something for you?

A simple effort to express more gratitude within marriage can have dramatic effects on the relationship.

Please try it.

Thank you.