You don’t know what you are doing. That is the most important idea a couple should understand as they enter into marriage.

You don’t know what you are doing, and that’s ok. It’s expected. It’s supposed to be that way.

One of the fun aspects of marriage should be two people, who don’t know what they are doing, learning and growing together. No pretending. No posturing. No assumptions that we’ve got it figured out. (See: How to Have an Easy Marriage)

Marriage should begin (and continue) with a deep humility born from an understanding that you’ve never been here before, but you are excited to be ignorant together. You are excited to learn, struggle, and figure out how to have a good marriage.

This humility causes a couple to expect problems, mistakes, and misunderstandings. It will allow them to more easily laugh when things do not go as expected or to put a fight in the proper context knowing the marriage isn’t over because of one disagreement.

The number one problem I see with couples as they get married is they believe they know what they are doing. Having seen their parent’s marriage, having watched marriage displayed on television, and having had their own relationships, couples arrogantly enter into marriage assuming they know everything they need to know about the relationship.

Nothing could be further from the truth. (See: Change Your Marriage Today)

How can a person know about marriage if they have never been married. How can a person know about being married to this person even if they have already been married to someone else?

It’s impossible, yet every year I perform 10–15 wedding ceremonies with couples who assume they know (or pretend to know) everything about what to expect.

Stop assuming. Stop pretending.

Marriage should not be entered into arrogantly, but humbly.

Couples should approach the relationship knowing that they don’t know. They should be eager to get advice, eager to learn, eager to find role models, eager to do everything possible to learn what marriage is all about.

Nothing will kill a relationship faster than arrogance. It will prevent someone from growing. It will keep them from seeking help. It will cause them to assume any problem is their spouse’s fault.

Every marriage should start with the basic understanding that we don’t know what it will take to have a good marriage, but we are willing to find out.

Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” We might say, “Blessed are those who know their inability, for theirs is the opportunity for a good marriage.”

Question: Did you begin your marriage thinking you knew what you were doing? How long did it take for you to realize differently?

For more, see:

13 Questions to Gauge If You Need Marriage Counseling

What to do If Your Spouse Refuses Counseling