When there is a problem with the sexual intimacy in a relationship, men always assume it’s the woman’s fault. How could it not be? From the earliest of memories, sexual ability is drilled into the psyche of a man. Real men are good at sex. It is so integral to who we are that we can’t risk the possibility of considering that a sexual issue could be our fault. We assume it’s the woman’s fault because any other alternative could be a risk to our identity as a man.

This is also while any physical inability or dysfunction, even that which is common with aging, is very difficult for men to discuss. While a simple physical and a short conversation with a doctor would likely lead to great solutions, many men are unwilling to schedule an appointment because to do so would be an admittance of a failure at the very heart of masculinity. Of course, that isn’t true, but it feels that way to men. (See: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have)

For this reason, whenever there is a problem with sexual intimacy, men always assume it’s the woman’s fault.

And most women agree.

When problems arise in the bedroom, many women assume something is wrong with them. They feel as though they are failing as a wife and a woman. Even if they are experiencing success in every other area of life, they take on the shame and disappointment assuming they have failed because of the sexual frustration.

This combination of men assuming the problem isn’t theirs and women agreeing makes nearly all sexual difficulties unsolvable. As long as issues are seen as one-sided, solutions are very difficult to find. In order to identify the problem, discuss solutions, and find a way forward, both parties have to take ownership of the issue. This is true in all issues, but especially sexual issues.

We Not You

Sexual intimacy in a marriage is a core component of the relationship. It’s not the only thing, but it’s also not a secondary thing. (See my book Friends, Partners & Lovers: What It Takes to Make Marriage Work) Since sex is an important component of marriage, any problem within the relationship is a problem for both couples. While they may have different responsibilities in managing the problem, they must both own their part of the problem.

Any problem that can threaten a marriage is a threat to both of us, therefore, it is a problem for both of us. We must face it together. Anytime a problem is identified as “your” problem instead of “our” problem, too much blame and responsibility is placed on one spouse while the other partner is given no responsibility to assist in a solution. Instead, both husband and wife must work together on whatever issue they are facing. Rather than blaming their spouse for a problem, they should work together to find a solution. (See: 8 Lies We Believe About Sex)

We Not Me

The reason most people blame sexual issues on the wife rather than seeing it as a joint issue is that we generally have an inappropriate perspective on sex in marriage. The prevailing thought is that sexual intimacy is more about the man than the woman. While it might be true that men generally have a higher sex drive in marriage (although it’s not true in 30% of marriages) and there is the biological aspects of release for a man, it is not true that God designed sexual intimacy for men.

God’s design is for both the man and the woman to experience sexual satisfaction. Both partners were created with the ability to experience intense pleasure and the mutual satisfaction of both partners should be the ultimate aim–not in every single experience but in the overall state of the connection.

However, far too many couples assume sex is for him. This lowers the bar for many couples assuming that good sex is any sex that pleases the man. That’s simply not true. When we focus solely on ourselves in every sexual encounter, we are cheating ourselves and our partners out of God’s intended design for sex. We are using the other rather than connecting with them.

God designed sex for us, so we must figure out how to best experience it.

When it comes to sexual problems, think “we” not “you.”

When it comes to sexual satisfaction, think “we” not “me.”