“I’m just too tired.”

It’s the most common phrase I hear from couples regarding sex.

Most people understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship within a marriage. It isn’t everything, but it is something and it’s a very important something. On occasion one spouse will exaggerate its importance, believing it is the primary aspect of marriage. More often one spouse will grossly downplay the importance of sex, believing it is a sign of a man’s weakness. But most people understand sex is important. (See: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have)

Knowing sex is important to marriage and making it important in marriage are two separate acts.

With all the demands of life, it is very easy for sex to be pushed to the bottom of the list. There is always “later” or “tomorrow” when it comes to making time for intimacy for a couple.

Early in a marriage this rarely causes a problem. With fewer demands for newlyweds, pushing sex to the end of the day isn’t an issue. Most young couples go to bed much earlier than they did in college or while dating, so a late night appointment is acceptable and satisfying.

Yet as demands increase, late-night sex can become an issue.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is getting into a rut of only having sex at night. A habit which can begin in young adulthood without any consequences can become taxing as a marriage matures.

If the only time a couple has sex is at night, one’s sexual health will suffer in the seasons of raising children and advancing careers. (See: The 24-Hour Sex Rule)

Nothing can prepare a couple for how exhausting raising children can be. I often laugh as I visit new parents in the delivery wing of a hospital. Oftentimes the new father will say to me, “If we can just get through these next few weeks of no sleep, we will be good.” I always want to say, “Six weeks?” No doubt the newborn stage has unique sleep challenges, but sleep is never the same after a baby is born. With each child added, the more complex life becomes, and parents spend most of their lives in desperate need of a nap.

For many people, as the children begin to grow, so does their careers. Whether in the corporate world, in small business, or for a homemaker, the expectations and demands increase. The weariness can sometimes be overwhelming.

This exhaustion kills one’s sex drive, and oftentimes their sex life, unless serious attention and intention is at play.

If the only time a couple has sex is at the end of the day, they likely will not be having much sex.

Here is an simple solution to the problem of weariness when it comes to sex:

A couple should take every opportunity to have as much sex as possible at a time other than the end of the day.

It takes effort, planning, and often a change of mindset, but if they will find times of intimacy other than at night, their relationship has a much better chance to flourish. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)

This doesn’t exclude sex at night. Nighttime sex might continue to be the mainstay of the sexual diet, but if a couple can add in intimacy at other times, it will greatly enhance their experience.

The problem with only having sex at night is you continually give yourself to your spouse when you have the least amount of energy. I would never accept this of a teammate, co-worker, or friend. I would want more. As a spouse, I want more. While we partner together through life, I’m fully aware there are seasons of life in which my only interaction (communication, quality time, and/or sex) with my wife will be at the end of the day when we are both exhausted. That’s part of life. But if that’s the only time we interact, something will be missing.

By creating other times in which we can be together, we are making sure our spouses also see us at our most energized. Why should your work place get you when you are most awake, but not your spouse?

Couples have a variety of options regarding the question of “when.”

• Before kids wake up
• At lunch
• During naptime
• After work
• A mid-morning meeting

It might take some creativity. For some it will require a drastic change of mindset. And it might involve some risk—what if the kids wake up? But any energy spent in trying to find other times to have intimacy will be well worth it.

Not only will you have more energy to have sex, but it will also tell your spouse that they are not the last thing on your daily list. It will also add variety and change to the sexual experience. (See: What I Tell College Students About Married Sex)

Are you too tired for sex? Then don’t have sex tonight. Go to sleep, but plan on having lunch at home tomorrow and picking up something to eat on the way back to work.

For more, see:

One Tip to Improve Married Sex

Spicing Up Married Sex by Learning from the Adulterer

Gentlemen, Start Your Engines